dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
