hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
