I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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