So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
