my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
