OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
