I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
