Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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