Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
BRING THE BAGELS
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
