i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
