I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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