best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
