for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
