mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
