Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
