Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
