Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
