I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
