I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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