you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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