oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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