I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
