I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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