Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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