Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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