When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
