Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
