I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
