my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
