Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
