i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
