my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
