Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
