P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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