Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
