btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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