stop calling my apartment porn island.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
