I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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