so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
