OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
