omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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