Soap is not a condiment
well I can't set my house on fire every night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Mom said you looked used
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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