my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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