I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
