I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
