my room smells like sperm. sweet.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
