____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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