shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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