yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
