Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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