I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
