I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
