end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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