mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think a kid would responsible me up
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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