Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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