I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
