I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
